10 Most Common Questions in Divorce and Other Stuff Everyone Should Know – Will My Kids be OK?

If a couple has children, especially minor children, then one of their first concerns is “will our children be ok?”  The simple answer is children take their cues from the grown-ups. Therefore, if you and your spouse can handle the divorce, and especially the child related issues, calmly, politely and with a focus on the children, they will be fine.  The things that cause harm to children in divorce is ongoing conflict about the kids that involves the kids in that conflict.

This is not to say the children won’t have their own feelings about the changes that come with having a family live in two separate households, they will. They will have their own feelings and their own concerns or worries and will have their own period of adjustment. Some may even need some professional counseling. Keep the children’s needs front and center and you will make better decisions.

10 ways to minimize the impact on your children:

1. Speak well of the other parent or don’t say any thing at all. Don’t blame and shame the other parent. You and your spouse are your kids most important people. They want to be able to love you both. They want to be able to talk to you both. They want to share their stories with you, good and bad. Give them the freedom to do this.  You do this by letting them talk about whatever, even the good time they had with the other parent last weekend, without making them feel guilty.
2. Keep communication about the children between you as parents.  Putting kids in the middle by asking them to “tell your Mother this” and “tell your Father that” is not a good idea. Communicate with the other parent directly. Establish a way to communicate.  It can be by email, text, weekly phone call, whatever works, as long as the children aren’t the messengers.
3. Provide opportunities for your children to talk about their thoughts and feelings.  You do not need to quiz them, just provide an opportunity.  Driving in the car and asking about their day. Asking about their thoughts regarding an event in their life or the life of a friend. Tucking them in at night and sitting by the bed. Some great conversations can come out of these times.
4. Let their teacher know.  Especially with younger children who have the same teacher all day, giving them a heads up is a good idea. Your children spend a lot of time at school, so any changes in behavior may be noticed first by their teacher.  If your kids are older, let their homeroom teacher, coach or counselor know.  They don’t need all the details, just a heads up with an invitation to contact you if they notice a problem.
5. Pay attention.  Adults are dealing with a lot of issues during a divorce, legal, financial, emotional, moving etc. It can be overwhelming. But its important to pay attention to your children and their behavior. Look for changes in sleep and study patterns, eating behavior, social behavior, etc. If they express a concern to you, acknowledge and validate it. “You sound upset, is that right. It sounds like you are having some difficulty with going back and forth between our 2 houses? Did I get that right?”  What ever the issue, let them talk. You may or not be able to fix it, but letting them talk and validating their feelings is really important.
6. Keep your new love life on the down low.  Your children need time to adapt to the fact that their parents are splitting up. Introducing a new partner, will just confuse and may overwhelm them. It may also alienate them from you and the new partner, and this may be very difficult to overcome.  Give them some time. Remember you may have been thinking about this change for some time, you may be ready to move on, but your kids may not be.  The general consensus is that you should give the kids a year to adapt to the divorce. In addition, you should wait until you have a well established relationship with a new partner, at least 6 months, preferably a year, before introducing them to your children.  Children are not harmed by being cared for by another adult. But, if your children like your new partner and grow close to them, then you break up with the partner, your children experience another loss.  So go on those dates while your kids are with the other parent.
7. Keep a routine.  Try to maintain the routine you had before the divorce. If the kids had snack, then did chores, then did homework, try to keep that going. Routine and structure can make them feel safe during times of uncertainty and change.  Routine is familiar and safe. Don’t let guilt make you become lax on standards for behavior and household responsibilities. Kids are smart, if they can push the guilt button to get what they want, they will.
8. Support the other parent.  If the kids are at Dad’s and they get in trouble and the consequence is Dad took away their screen time. If they call you to complain or to come get them, your response should be “You’re in Dad’s house so its Dad’s rules, I’ll see you Friday afternoon.”  You want to Dad to give you the same respect if this happens at your house.  You may each ahve different rules, that’s ok. Kids live with different rules at school, sports practice,  their friends house and church. They can adapt.
9. Discipline.  Ideally you would both be on the same page, but often you are not. So you get to make the rules and impose consequences in your house during your time with the children. The other parent gets the same. Imposing a long term consequence that would have to be enforced by the other parent during their time, can only work if the other parent agrees.
10. Respect the parenting schedule.  Parents have asked how do I make the child go to the other parents house if they don’t want to go.  First, set the expectation that the parenting schedule will be respected by everyone. Just like you expect them to get up and go to school every day, you should set the expectation that they will go to the other parent’s home according to the schedule.  You can listen to their concern, you may even be able to adapt the schedule, after discussing it with the other parent and if they agree. But this should ultimately be a grown up decision.

You and your spouse may not agree on much, but hopefully you both agree that the children come first and their welfare is your primary concern. In a Collaborative Divorce process, the child specialist is there to be the voice of the children and to help you as parents develop strategies to manage any concerns the children may have.  Developing a child centered parenting  and communication plan is a good place to start.

Collaborative Practice San Diego is a nonprofit, multi-disciplinary referral network of independent professionals of attorneys, mental health professionals and financial advisors working together to learn, practice, and promote Collaborative processes for problem-solving and the peaceful resolution of family law issues, with an eye toward preserving the emotional, as well as the financial assets of the family.

Contact us today to see how we can help you and your spouse work towards a peaceful resolution for your marriage.

Note: This information is general in nature and should not be construed as legal/financial/tax/or mental health advice. You should work with your attorney, financial, mental health or tax professional to determine what will work best for your situation.

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